Lift’s Blog

The last wish of Medina, 24, who was found dead on Aug. 15, 2008 underneath a bridge, was to be standing at his own wake, and was embalmed for the occasion. When I die, I want to be buried in Scottie’s asshole, so that every time he farts everyone nearby will remember me. His mom actually agreed to it and apparently made a shirt in his memory. I suspect the kid in the background will require some therapy, after the wake.

Stephanie “Nano” Nano from the AP published an article, June of 2008, stating more people are hurt snowboarding than any other outdoor activity, accounting for a quarter of emergency room visits. Could it be that one of societies greatest contributors to mountain etiquette be so precarious?

Let’s look at the stats from the CDC (Centers of Disease Control – not to be confused by THC):

Nearly 26 percent of the injures were from snowboarding followed by sledding (11 percent); hiking (6 percent); mountain biking, personal watercraft, water skiing or tubing (4 percent); fishing (3 percent) and swimming (2 percent).

Don’t know how fishing got in there, but maybe it’s the heat stroke after a couple cases of beer and waiting in the hot sun for these little fuckers to bite.

For snowboarders, the most common problems were broken bones and sprains, accounting for half of all cases. About 7 percent of ER visits were for concussions or other brain injuries.

If there’s one thing we riders are all good at, is getting hurt. So, remember kids, after your last toke of a joint and swig of whiskey, Yan E. Safeties says, “Wear a helmet, before you ride and go big or go home.”

Stoner Ross Rebagliati at the Nagano Winter Olympics celebrating his gold, which was taken away cause he was smoking the Acapulco gold, but then the committee felt sorry for the harmless pot head and gave it back to him.

Snowboard Porn Teaser from Burton’s new sponsored vid:

As some of you are aware the legendary Poppa Smurf, a.k.a. AJ, a.k.a. Captain Mudd, is in town for the week. His arrival was a bit tumultuous after numerous delays and re-routing destinations. He escaped some of the most grimey areas of the U.S. unscathed. Often mistaken for a migrant worker he avoided conflict in Sacramento and survived Staten Island where he stayed with the Ya’bo’s family.

Upon AJ’s arrival, first things first – he wanted to hug trees and ride Hartshorne in the Garden State of Dirty Jerz. The crew was assembled:

Rene “Skeletor”
Gustave “The Bonker”
“Get to the Chopper” Dylan
Yan “The Brown Hole” Douche
“Xtina” Kristina
Scottie “Get Ya’bo’s On It”
Shannon “Cannon Ball” Shorty
Carlos “Magellan” Touch My Body

I had convinced Kristina to come ride at Hartshorne, since it was her first time riding in the woods. I had described the area as an entry level mountain bike course and that a retarded gentle manatee could negotiate this place. All the while, recalling the one time I first rode the park with Scottie and in the first 5 minutes of incline seeing him laying in the dirt, like a beached manatee, all pale, yarfing scungilli from the night before. So, Xtina starts her ascent for her first cherry popping in mountain biking. My first instructions, don’t fall and make sure to keep up. Scottie was a bit more compassionate and gave her formal training. Also, he needed to stay behind to make sure Xtina could negotiate the trails.

Xtina was doing well, cutting through the switchbacks often waiting for Scottie. Scottie of course, was making certain Kristina was doing o.k. He had to stay behind. So, here comes the descent over some roots. Scottie takes the lead and waits for Kristina to follow. As Scottie is shifting his Man Boobs, he hears a crash and “OOOF” and then metal hitting metal. Concerned he drops his bike and runs up to help. Scottie yells, “Holy shit, you alright?!”

Xtina, “Umm, yeah?”
“O.k., cool. Wait, I need to take a picture”, Scottie says.
Kristina disorientated, remarks, “I can’t move, Scottie? I think I’m still stuck in the bike.”
Scottie concerned, replies, “Wait, shut up. I almost got it.”

Some random woman walking her poodle sees the destruction and runs screaming, “OH MY GAWD!!! Are you o.k.?!”
Scottie annoyed, “She’s fine. Can’t you see I’m taking a picture?”
Kristina mumbles, “Scottie, please take this tire out of my vagina.”

Scottie untangles Kristina from her bike and inspects the hardware, making certain everythings functional. He deems the bike in good condition.

The remainder of the ride was great. Gus was “Bonking” from the lack of sleep he had from the prior night. I’m not sure what Bonking is, but I think it involves semen and anus. We weren’t sure where Carlos was at this point. Last time we heard he was headed to New Mexico. He arrived at some park, but in his description it didn’t sound like Hartshorne. I don’t recall swings and a baseball field where we were riding, but I’m sure he had fun mountain biking though. Mind you, Carlos was driving all the way from the Bronx trying to find this spot in Bumblefuck, Jerz.

We gathered afterwards at AJ’s brother’s house. Scottie grabs a beer and sums up the trip, “Aww yeeeahh!!! This beer tastes like Jesus’ urine!

I didn’t get to talk about AJ much, but if you want to see him before he leaves, come by Scottie’s next weekend for an all out bash! Bring your friends and your mom, and her friends.